Just wanted to give a shout-out to my homies at Lowe's. Whazzaaaa?!? Hardware reprazentin! Appliances in da hizzous!
I used to shop at Lowe's a lot. My husband and I would play a game called the $5 bong. It's pretty self explanatory. You have to make a bong out of stuff for sale in the store and you can only spend $5. It's not that hard until you run into the helpful staff. This requires quick thinking at a time when you're maybe not thinking so quick, and it usually goes about like so:
helpful staff: "So, what size PVC pipe are you looking for?"
me: "Ummmmm... about this size: (makes an "o" with mouth while giggling hysterically)"
helpful staff: "Okaaaaaay... is this for a plumbing project?"
me: "ha ha ha you said 'plumbing.' (giggling, but thinking fast) Um no. It's for... an art project. Or something."
helpful staff: "Okaaaaaaay. What type of art project?"
me: "The kind that requires pipe."
helpful staff: (suspiciously looking at bizarre assortment in cart)"You're making a bong out of this, aren't you?"
me: "No. NO! (drops pipe and runs)
You can see I'm suave. I don't think I've ever made it through a whole $5 bong game without running out of the store. Somehow, that fair-weather friend that I shop for also causes me to believe that a Lowe's employee actually has the power to arrest me. They haven't caught me yet, though!
7.30.2005
7.24.2005
Exodus! Movement of Jah People!
Okay, maybe not quite what Bob Marley had in mind...
http://www.christianexodus.org/
That's right. There's a Christian organization dedicated to upping the already mindboggling concentration of people with Strom4Life tatoos in the state of South Carolina.
It's as if these people sat around thinking to themselves "What could possibly make Ryan hate South Carolina more than he already does? A-ha! Let's ask a bunch of delusional right wing fundies to move in to the state and threaten to seceed from the union! That worked so well for us last time around."
And that's just what they're trying to do.
Ol' Flavian weighed in on the matter, with his usual supportive enthusiasm:
"Whatever floats your boat, guys. If you're getting South Carolina the hell out of this country, be my guest."
So, not much objection from the local liberals at this point.
You may be asking yourselves why they want to do this, though. Well let me tell you! According to the website:
-Children who pray in public schools are subject to prosecution
-The 10 Commandments remain banned from public display
-Preaching Christianity will soon be outlawed as "hate speech"
In summary, they're doing this because they love making hyperbolic lists.
But truly, I understand. You just can't understand true oppression until you've lived a life of lonely isolation- where people of your kind are merely the vast majority of elected and appointed leaders. Where you can shit on other religions, but you can't quite smear it around as much as you'd like. Where people will occassionaly look at you funny when you make blatantly racist or homophobic statements.
In the inspiring words of Mr. Marley (a man who is certainly rotting in hell):
So we gonna walk - all right! - through de roads of creation.
We the generation
trod through great tribulation.
Exodus!
http://www.christianexodus.org/
That's right. There's a Christian organization dedicated to upping the already mindboggling concentration of people with Strom4Life tatoos in the state of South Carolina.
It's as if these people sat around thinking to themselves "What could possibly make Ryan hate South Carolina more than he already does? A-ha! Let's ask a bunch of delusional right wing fundies to move in to the state and threaten to seceed from the union! That worked so well for us last time around."
And that's just what they're trying to do.
Ol' Flavian weighed in on the matter, with his usual supportive enthusiasm:
"Whatever floats your boat, guys. If you're getting South Carolina the hell out of this country, be my guest."
So, not much objection from the local liberals at this point.
You may be asking yourselves why they want to do this, though. Well let me tell you! According to the website:
-Children who pray in public schools are subject to prosecution
-The 10 Commandments remain banned from public display
-Preaching Christianity will soon be outlawed as "hate speech"
In summary, they're doing this because they love making hyperbolic lists.
But truly, I understand. You just can't understand true oppression until you've lived a life of lonely isolation- where people of your kind are merely the vast majority of elected and appointed leaders. Where you can shit on other religions, but you can't quite smear it around as much as you'd like. Where people will occassionaly look at you funny when you make blatantly racist or homophobic statements.
In the inspiring words of Mr. Marley (a man who is certainly rotting in hell):
So we gonna walk - all right! - through de roads of creation.
We the generation
trod through great tribulation.
Exodus!
7.21.2005
Welcome to my desk. Now stop being a douchebag.
I was, coincidentally enough, reading an article on xenophobia at my desk when I found myself staring at it. In t-shirt form.
"Welcome to America. Now speak english!" was the friendly request. I really think that in cases like this, there should be a standing exception to general professionalism guidelines. I'd really love to have given him the finger, but I had to settle for passive aggressive methods.
I started with my favorite mode: the stare and roll. I took a long, hard stare at his shirt as if he had a shit stain on it that only I could see. My next move (and this one I have down to an absolute science) is where I pretend like I don't want the subject to see me roll my eyes, when I actually do. Sometimes I'll let out a faint sigh if I think they're not looking.
He proceeded to try to hand me something, which I naturally pretended to not notice, until he finally gave up and set it on my desk, clearly bewildered.
Do you see all the effort I have to go to to snub someone in a work environment? Wouldn't it have been a more efficient use of my time to just flick him off and get on with business?
Somehow, I doubt I'll be able to convince my boss of that, but I think the benefits of a free-to-flick office are clear.
"Welcome to America. Now speak english!" was the friendly request. I really think that in cases like this, there should be a standing exception to general professionalism guidelines. I'd really love to have given him the finger, but I had to settle for passive aggressive methods.
I started with my favorite mode: the stare and roll. I took a long, hard stare at his shirt as if he had a shit stain on it that only I could see. My next move (and this one I have down to an absolute science) is where I pretend like I don't want the subject to see me roll my eyes, when I actually do. Sometimes I'll let out a faint sigh if I think they're not looking.
He proceeded to try to hand me something, which I naturally pretended to not notice, until he finally gave up and set it on my desk, clearly bewildered.
Do you see all the effort I have to go to to snub someone in a work environment? Wouldn't it have been a more efficient use of my time to just flick him off and get on with business?
Somehow, I doubt I'll be able to convince my boss of that, but I think the benefits of a free-to-flick office are clear.
7.20.2005
"white guy. fancy that."
I'm too lazy to write anything on this anti-french fry crusader that Bush has nominated to the SCOTUS, so I'll let the following conversation be my in-depth political commentary on the situation. Russia is my pinko-feminist-liberal friend who's currently in Russia, because she kicks that much ass.
Russia: who is it?
Russia: the nominee
Me: some utter douchebag
Me: john roberts jr?
Russia: a man?
Russia: wasn't expecting that.
Russia: white?
Me: yup. white guy
Russia: fancy that
Me: uh huh
Me: and he seems to be anti-roe, anti-labor, anti-affirmative action, etc etc
Russia: yup, i just skimmed an email to that effect
Russia: did harry reid give him as a nominee? is he supposed to be one of those that gets an easy confirmation?
Me: I don't really know. The dems haven't come out all "Rabble Rabble Rabble" yet, but they seem to be cautiously ticked.
Russia: my soul hurts
Me: hahaha I know, right?
Russia: so melodramtic but it's true
Me: I'm in the wacky denial stage right now.
Me: Like "hahaha! he nominated a douchebag! Oh that bush, when will he learn?"
Russia: so, the silver lining: at least the liberals have some credibility. we've been saying since 2000 that an evil person would be nominated and that's what happened.
Me: yup- it's some consolation
Me: the "told you so" factor is big with me.
Russia: nothing like regressing to a five year old to make you feel better.
Russia: who is it?
Russia: the nominee
Me: some utter douchebag
Me: john roberts jr?
Russia: a man?
Russia: wasn't expecting that.
Russia: white?
Me: yup. white guy
Russia: fancy that
Me: uh huh
Me: and he seems to be anti-roe, anti-labor, anti-affirmative action, etc etc
Russia: yup, i just skimmed an email to that effect
Russia: did harry reid give him as a nominee? is he supposed to be one of those that gets an easy confirmation?
Me: I don't really know. The dems haven't come out all "Rabble Rabble Rabble" yet, but they seem to be cautiously ticked.
Russia: my soul hurts
Me: hahaha I know, right?
Russia: so melodramtic but it's true
Me: I'm in the wacky denial stage right now.
Me: Like "hahaha! he nominated a douchebag! Oh that bush, when will he learn?"
Russia: so, the silver lining: at least the liberals have some credibility. we've been saying since 2000 that an evil person would be nominated and that's what happened.
Me: yup- it's some consolation
Me: the "told you so" factor is big with me.
Russia: nothing like regressing to a five year old to make you feel better.
7.19.2005
John Roberts Jr
It's being said that the name John Roberts Jr. has been leaked to NBC as Bush's nominee. Who the deuce is he?!?!
When placemats attack
So someone found my blog while searching for "painless geography placemats." I have NO idea what kind of sadistic geography placemats this lost soul is currently dealing with but there clearly needs to be a better way to attain geographical information while eating potroast, people! If they ended up at my blog in search of help, they're clearly running out of ideas. I fear that time is a factor here. This time it's just a map of the earth. Next time, who know? It could be planetary placemats after your ass. And that just isn't something I'll stand for.
Wankershanks 4SCOTUS!
So... 9pm tonight is the big announcement. Someone, probably Arlen Specter said that he hoped someone with varied life experiences would be the supreme court nominee, not just someone with legal expertise.
I'm hoping this will be a good sign for me. I was crushed when I lost my bid for pope, so hopefully this will pan out for me. Justice Wankershanks has a *great* ring to it. I'll let you all know as soon as I get the call.
I'm hoping this will be a good sign for me. I was crushed when I lost my bid for pope, so hopefully this will pan out for me. Justice Wankershanks has a *great* ring to it. I'll let you all know as soon as I get the call.
7.01.2005
WTF?
O'Conner is retiring? No no no. That's one hell of a typo, Mr. CNN Guy. That's supposed to say "Rehnquist." Really.
Can I get a big "dubbleya tee eff" from my homies? Really. WTF?
The only good thing to come out of this is that my friend Rachel (aka Wyzardess, aka the most awesome girl in the whole world cause she's in Russia right now and simultaneously working with Ohio NARAL on some kick-ass pro-choice stuff) has informed me that it's okay to use Supreme Court justices as verbs, as in: "I'll brb. Me and Aaron are still O'Conner-ing."
I'll probably be O'Conner-ing the rest of the day. That sounds a lot more fun than it is.
Can I get a big "dubbleya tee eff" from my homies? Really. WTF?
The only good thing to come out of this is that my friend Rachel (aka Wyzardess, aka the most awesome girl in the whole world cause she's in Russia right now and simultaneously working with Ohio NARAL on some kick-ass pro-choice stuff) has informed me that it's okay to use Supreme Court justices as verbs, as in: "I'll brb. Me and Aaron are still O'Conner-ing."
I'll probably be O'Conner-ing the rest of the day. That sounds a lot more fun than it is.
recipes 4 life
I clearly should not be allowed around impressionable people. Here's a conversation between myself and my 14 year old cousin (the sexy hero!) Jessica:
Jess: Pro-lifers are really great.
Me: Whaaaaaaa?
Jess: Well, if you cook them just right.
ha! I probably should have said something about it being morally wrong to broil your political opponents in a nice marinade of lemon and garlic. Maybe a little fresh thyme. Fresh ground pepper... little splash of olive oil....
Anyway. It's wrong. But do I say that? No. I laugh. I guess I'm one of those morally bankrupt liberals I keep hearing about. But come on. You would laugh too.
Jess: Pro-lifers are really great.
Me: Whaaaaaaa?
Jess: Well, if you cook them just right.
ha! I probably should have said something about it being morally wrong to broil your political opponents in a nice marinade of lemon and garlic. Maybe a little fresh thyme. Fresh ground pepper... little splash of olive oil....
Anyway. It's wrong. But do I say that? No. I laugh. I guess I'm one of those morally bankrupt liberals I keep hearing about. But come on. You would laugh too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)