Engineering symposium? Cheeze-It!

For some weird reason, this email from the engineering department at my university completely cracked me up. I just had to share it with someone. Aren't you lucky?

"Thermo-Mechanical Effects in Multi-Component Micro-Systems in
Electronic Applications"

DAY: 28 January 2005, Friday
TIME: 2:00 pm
PLACE: Engr I Bldg, Room 224

Snacks will be provided. Please see attached abstract details.

I think it was the "snacks will be provided" that set me off. You think a juice box and some ritz crackers are enough to bribe me into attending that?!?

Nice try, you sneaky engineers, you. I believe I'll be getting my nosh on elsewhere.

The day my opinion got flushed

We all make mistakes. Some are apparently less forgiveable than others... say, killing someone. That's usually a biggie. Among my friends, subjecting them to the wrong indie flick is capital punishment worthy. I learned this after picking out a saucy little movie called Urinal.

Now, I still maintain that there was no way I could have predicted the unparalleled badness of this movie. From the summary on www.imdb.com:

A mystery man brings together a group of dead, gay artists to investigate a police response to the dilema of wash-room sex in Toronto. The artists have seven days in which to report on the ethics of police tactics. The artists infiltrate the police only to discover that they themselves are under surveillance as a political subversive group. The artists explore and report on the evolution of toilets and wash-room behavior.

I mean, what more could any movie renter want? It's got it all: Dead artists, unethical police, an inside look at toilets, and of course, a "mystery man" bringing it all together. Who wouldn't want to see Frida Kahlo and Langston Hughes play gay avengers against the homophobic fascists on the Canadian police force?

Okay. Apparently it IS possible for a winning combination like that to go awry. Somewhere between the bad lighting and the bad acting, I finally admitted that I had chosen a very terrible movie. I even apologized. Me. Apologized.

But it was too late. My movie renting priviledges have been revoked. Forever. And I'm not even allowed to go *near* Stardust, the local haven for indie flick rentals.

Hindsight is 20/20 my friend, but don't tell me you wouldn't have fallen for that plot line too. You know you would have.

fantastic.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I would just like to point out how forward thinking this mid-december post of mine was:

Here in modern day civilization, we've moved on to... oh, let's say, the Spongebob movie. And, you know, how it relates to... stuff.

And so we have. Stupid gay sponges.


Fantastic.

On the road again...

So, my good friend Flavian (aka Brian, aka what-ever-the-hell-his-name-is-on-here-cause-I'm-too-lazy-to-look) and I went to Washington, DC. Again. This time, Ryan was absent, although there in spirit, I'm sure. Overall, it was a good trip. But, as always, mistakes were made. In the interest of serving the public (which is clearly my goal with this blog) I'd like to share a few of those mistakes with you, so that others can learn without suffering as I did.

1. The good people at the Mini-Cooper factory aren't kidding with that name. Those cars are NOT "road-trip friendly" in my book. I felt like I was riding around in a slightly more stylin' version of a clown car. But ya gotta love that gas mileage.

2. Don't eat falafel and leftover curry when you're going to be in a confined space for long periods of time. Look, I'm not pointing fingers here or anything, but I am saying that I don't remember passing a paper mill on the way up. The way down, however, was a different story.

3. If you are planning on attending a specific function, say the inauguration, plan to be on TIME for that function. An example of what not to do would be, say, leaving Orlando at 9am with an ETA of 12pm in DC. Somehow, this just doesn't work. See below for further explanation.

4. Bring maps. Oh, and I should specify further: Bring maps of the areas you'll be driving through and visiting. For example, if you are going to DC, you might want to include a map of DC, as well as the states between you and DC. This helps you figure out not only where you're going, but when you might arrive there. I suppose this should be obvious...

and finally,

5. Don't stop in South Carolina. We'll just leave it at that.

miscarry me far far away from virginia

Absolute fucking insanity apparently has a new name:HB1677.
As well as a new master: Sen. John Cosgrove (R- surprise!) of Virginia.

I'd like to be funny about this, but really, it's not funny. It's monstrous. It's frightening. And it's some of the most twisted and downright mean legislation that pro-lifers have come up with in recent memory. Not for lack of trying, of course.

According to the bill's summary, HB1677

Provides that when a fetal death occurs without medical attendance, it shall be the woman's responsibility to report the death to the proper law-enforcement agency within 12 hours of the delivery. Violation of this section shall be punishable as a Class 1 misdemeanor.

Just to clarify, for anyone not fully horrified, this means that any woman who has a natural miscarriage at any stage of pregnancy must report it within 12 hours. A class 1 misdemeanor, by the way, is the same catagory Virginia affords to stalkers, statutory rapists, and the good people who make bomb threats. Is there any other instance in the United States where failing to report a completely natural body function is considered a crime? I'm reminded of the episode of Crank Yankers where the unsuspecting man is jokingly fined for environmental damage due to his overzealous bowel movements. Unfortunately, this time it isn't foul-mouthed puppets on a cable show. It's a senator.

The logistics, of course, are mindboggling. Even conservative estimates say that around 15% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. Most likely that number is much higher when you consider very early miscarriages from women who had no idea they were even pregnant. Not that this bill differentiates. And what about those women who didn't know they were pregnant? Criminals, all of them! And speaking of criminals, how will the fuzz deal with this? The impossibility of enforcement would make even the war on drugs look like a smashing success. The only way they can possibly keep track is if women are crazy enough to get prenatal care. We certainly wouldn't want to be encouraging that!

But more importantly, how the fuck is this guy going to tell thousands of women, only hours after they've miscarried, to shelve their pain while they fill out some forms?

I'm sick of these pro-child, pro-family, pro-asshole republicans living up to every stereotype I have of them. Someone prove me wrong already. Please. It's not that hard. My standards for republicans are appallingly low these days.

Jon Stewart- please procreate.

Tucker Carlson, as well as the CNN show Crossfire which made him and his bowties famous, has officially been sacked.

Everyone who is anyone immediately asked themselves: "Did Jon Stewart have anything to do with this? Please god tell me that Jon Stewart had something to do with this."

Oh, and he did!

For everyone who isn't anyone, Jon Stewart is the beloved host of the "fake news" Comedy Central creation, The Daily Show. Contrary to the description, he reports news that really isn't fake at all (although the audience usually wishes it were) with humorous commentary in between. Very humorous commentary.

But he's more than just funny (and insanely attractive.) He's the voice of a generation (even though he doesn't technically belong to that generation.) This was never more evident than in his now infamous Crossfire appearance when he called Tucker Carlson a dick. Right there. On CNN. A dick!

We'd all been thinking it for years, but even in my wildest fantasies I could not imagine it actually taking place.

That would have been enough for me to die happy. But he didn't just call him a dick. He called him a dick amongst a laundry list of other much-needed criticisms. But a summary by me would do no justice to Mr. Stewart's complaints. So here are a few of my favorite quotes from that episode, taken from CNN's transcript:

"I think, oftentimes, the person that knows they can't win is allowed to speak the most freely, because, otherwise, shows with titles, such as CROSSFIRE Or "HARDBALL" or "I'm Going to Kick Your Ass" will jump on it. In many ways, it's funny. And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad. And I wanted to -- I felt that that wasn't fair and I should come here and tell you that I don't -- it's not so much that it's bad, as it's hurting America. See, the thing is, we need your help. Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow our lawns. You're part of their strategies. You are partisan, what do you call it, hacks. I'm here to confront you, because we need help from the media and they're hurting us."

I mean, damn. All this from the guy who's show comes on after a half-hour program of puppets making prank calls. Which Stewart proudly admits.

Anyway- what was I talking about? Oh yeah. So today, CNN announced the end of Crossfire, and of Tucker Carlson (at least on their network.) And in explaining his reasons for doing so, the chief executive of CNN stated:

"I guess I come down more firmly in the Jon Stewart camp... " And what's more, the Associated Press reports that "He said all of the cable networks, including CNN, have overdosed on programming devoted to arguing over issues. Klein said he wants more substantive programming that is still compelling."

This is huge for fans of Jon Stewart. But it's also huge for fans of intelligent discourse. Will Klein live up to his stated ideal? Or will we be seeing yet another incarnation of "I'm going to kick your ass" in the spring lineup?

I don't know. But it seems that Jon Stewart was correct when he charged on that ill-fated Crossfire episode that "the news organizations look to Comedy Central for their cues on integrity."

I just can't believe they admitted it.