The Saturday Penis Roundup

I've never actually followed through with any of my weekly features. But I have a good feeling about this one. Who doesn't love a good penis roundup?

For this week's penis roundup, we start with a tragic tail of stupidity and science.

Thailand's health ministry warned size-obsessed men on Friday to avoid trying to enlarge their penises with liquid injections, saying it could cause deformities.

The warning followed media reports that male teenagers in central Thailand had rushed to have their penises injected with olive oil or other liquids.

Clearly this is tragic, because that olive oil could have been used to make some killer foccacia, instead of a freakishy deformed penis monster.

Aside from that though, what is the deal with enlarging penises? What advantage does it give you? Really. Even in a best-case-scenario where you aren't lumpy and squirting pesto out from the sides, I just don't see the big penis guy coming out ahead. Let's explore:

Big penis- whether naturally, or through olive oil injections: You can't attract women with it, because if you run around telling people that you have a big penis no one will believe you, and you'll look like a loser. Once you're in a relationship where someone actually witnesses the beast, do you really expect her to run around telling her friends "this guy is huge! you should give it a go too!" No. No that will not happen. And once you've broken up, she'll tell her friends it's microscopically small, regardless of the truth, because we're just that mean.

Small, injection free penis- You won't attract women with it, but the fact that you aren't hunched over and smelling like Mario Batali's kitchen might. Once you're in a relationship, just get your girlfriend a gift certificate to The Honeysuckle Shop and be done with the problem. When you break up, she'll tell her friends it's microscopically small, but they won't necessarily believe her because she said that about creepy olive oil guy too. They found out the truth when they slept with him behind her back.

So the two are about even. Until you take into account that one of them injected oil into his nether regions. That takes him down quite a few pegs, dontcha think? Now guess who wins?

In other penis related findings,

A Michigan court apparently has ended the television career of a talking penis.

A three-judge panel of the Michigan Court of Appeals declared that the talking penis, nicknamed Dick Smart, telling "purportedly humorous" jokes on a Grand Rapids, Michigan, public access cable television channel constituted indecent exposure.

Those had to have been some pretty bad jokes for Reuters to use the word "purportedly" in front of "humorous" AND to employ the additional insult of putting the phrase in quotes. But really, you can't expect Mr. Smart to be on top of his game when his asian brethren are suffering cruel fates at the hands of their oil-wielding masters.

That's all for today's penis roundup! Join me next Saturday when I make fun of all the penis related hits that are sure to result from this post!