I don't feel like actually blogging today. But I haven't in a while, so I need to post something. Here are the most recent google searches that people have used to find my blog, that I felt worthy of posting here. Enjoy.
"gossip hilary duff condom" was my personal favorite. My website is proudly located after a list of "nude celebrity pics" and before a list of "HIV positive celebrities revealed!" Fantastic.
I'm on page one of the google search for "progress energy assholes." Seems the good will bestowed upon the electric company during the hurricane days has subsided. Watch your backs, electricians.
I'm still on page one for "brytec roofing" so apparently, that's still a popular search. And yes, they're still assholes in my book.
Finally, I've been found yet again by the upscale fans of Crank Yankers. This time, the term used was "CRANK YANKERS THERES A TURD IN MY CAR." Lay into those caps, buddy. Sadly, I seem to have fallen from page 1 on google. I think I'll cry myself to sleep tonight.
3.31.2005
3.25.2005
Homer would eat this up. Literally.
KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- A symbol of Christianity that sits atop church steeples, dangles from necks and hangs on walls is now ending up in the mouths of the faithful, over the objections of some religious officials.
A mass-produced chocolate cross is being sold this Easter by Russell Stover Candies Inc. in about 5,000 stores nationwide, which experts say is apparently a first for a major American company.
The only word that comes to mind is the great Homer Simpson utterance: mmmmm... sacrilicious.
But my favorite quote by far from this fantastic article has to be this gem from Roman Catholic diocese guy, Joeseph McAleer:
"The cross should be venerated, not eaten, nor tossed casually in an Easter basket beside the jelly beans and marshmallow Peeps," he said. "It's insulting."
Insulting indeed. Peeps have worked long and hard for their place in the easter basket hierarchy. This jesus-come-lately needs to put in its hours just like any other candy. Sheesh.
pro-life? thanks again, jackasses.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/217156_janedoe23.html
"I could not imagine going through five more months of pregnancy, knowing that the baby will never survive or have any kind of life whatsoever," the woman, then 19, told a federal judge in August 2002...
She won her case and had the abortion. But more than two years later, the federal government continues to fight her, trying to get the woman and her sailor husband to pay back the $3,000 the procedure cost and trying to cast in stone a ban on government-funded abortions...
Anencephaly is a neural tube defect that causes a fetus to develop without a forebrain, cerebellum or cranium and which is 100 percent fatal to the fetus...
You too can own a li'l slice of Satan!
We've all heard the stories about Jesus appearing in a waffle, or a bunion that is the spitting image of the Virgin Mary.
Really, it's about time that Satan made a cameo. And make one he did! With the same flourish of style and hint of irony that we've come to expect from the prince of darkness, he appeared to a pet shop owner in the form of a turtle... named Lucky.
Apparently, the evidence is piling up that this turtle is, in fact, the merciless ruler of hell. Consider the following:
-Lucky was the only animal to survive a fire at Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop
-The cause of the fire remains a mystery
-The fire raged for hours, much longer than a non-satanic turtle could hold its breath
-Oh yeah, and there's a creepy outline of a horned goat-thing on his back
Demonic turtle 4, harmless amphibian 0.
The only evidence that has come forward so far to suggest Lucky's innocence is the fact that "there was no change in [Lucky's] behavior" after the fire. Oh, and the fact that he's a turtle.
And hey, if that's enough to help you sleep at night, go right ahead and buy into the deceit, my friend. But if you want the whole truth behind this turtle's rise to power, ebay has your back.
Really, it's about time that Satan made a cameo. And make one he did! With the same flourish of style and hint of irony that we've come to expect from the prince of darkness, he appeared to a pet shop owner in the form of a turtle... named Lucky.
Apparently, the evidence is piling up that this turtle is, in fact, the merciless ruler of hell. Consider the following:
-Lucky was the only animal to survive a fire at Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop
-The cause of the fire remains a mystery
-The fire raged for hours, much longer than a non-satanic turtle could hold its breath
-Oh yeah, and there's a creepy outline of a horned goat-thing on his back
Demonic turtle 4, harmless amphibian 0.
The only evidence that has come forward so far to suggest Lucky's innocence is the fact that "there was no change in [Lucky's] behavior" after the fire. Oh, and the fact that he's a turtle.
And hey, if that's enough to help you sleep at night, go right ahead and buy into the deceit, my friend. But if you want the whole truth behind this turtle's rise to power, ebay has your back.
3.21.2005
Furniture Shopping with Flavian
So my buddy Flavian and I went furniture shopping today. Flavian needed a couch. I needed a new dining room table since a rogue cadre of lesbians stole mine the day before.
(note: by "stole" I mean I begged them to take it away because it was a ferociously ugly table. And by "rogue cadre," I mean "two of my friends." And by lesbians, I mean, well, I actually do mean lesbians. Don't ask me why I even included that detail, although I suspect it has something to with the fact that 'rogue cadre of lesbians' sounds really damned cool.)
Anyway, so off we went to the Rooms-to-Go outlet. We browsed and browsed. Every now and then I would jokingly point to one of the "ugly" couches and say "boy that one would look great in your place" with a sarcastic grin. He'd walk over to the couch slowly, make a serious lap around it, then cock his head slightly and look at me like a lost puppy. It took me a while to get it. Finally, when we approached the pleather, seafoam-green loveseat of doom, I knew something was up.
"Man, check out that seafoam green! What a steal!" I hooted.
"Um, is it a *nice* seafoam green?" he asked.
Something was up. Really up. That's when he pointed to a pitch-black couch and said "That purple one looks nice."
One of us was clearly color blind. How would we ever find out which one it was? A series of expensive, time-consuming tests would have to be conducted on the spot. There was simply no other way to resolve the matter.
"Oh, you know I'm color blind, right?" he asked.
Fair enough. I tried to be a true friend (the kind that screws over their buds whenever it's funny) and steer him back towards the seafoam green loveseat.
"Hey! Check out that loveseat!" I said, pointing once again to the seafoam sofa.
"Nope. That's the seafoam one. I remember the location." he said confidently.
We made a few laps of the store while I tried to disorient him. But he was too quick for me. Apparently he's colorblind, not stupid. Finally, we left without a couch or a dining room table. I missed a perfectly good opportunity to screw over a friend, and he missed... well, nothing. Actually, he dodged a damned ugly couch and is wiser for the wear.
(note: by "stole" I mean I begged them to take it away because it was a ferociously ugly table. And by "rogue cadre," I mean "two of my friends." And by lesbians, I mean, well, I actually do mean lesbians. Don't ask me why I even included that detail, although I suspect it has something to with the fact that 'rogue cadre of lesbians' sounds really damned cool.)
Anyway, so off we went to the Rooms-to-Go outlet. We browsed and browsed. Every now and then I would jokingly point to one of the "ugly" couches and say "boy that one would look great in your place" with a sarcastic grin. He'd walk over to the couch slowly, make a serious lap around it, then cock his head slightly and look at me like a lost puppy. It took me a while to get it. Finally, when we approached the pleather, seafoam-green loveseat of doom, I knew something was up.
"Man, check out that seafoam green! What a steal!" I hooted.
"Um, is it a *nice* seafoam green?" he asked.
Something was up. Really up. That's when he pointed to a pitch-black couch and said "That purple one looks nice."
One of us was clearly color blind. How would we ever find out which one it was? A series of expensive, time-consuming tests would have to be conducted on the spot. There was simply no other way to resolve the matter.
"Oh, you know I'm color blind, right?" he asked.
Fair enough. I tried to be a true friend (the kind that screws over their buds whenever it's funny) and steer him back towards the seafoam green loveseat.
"Hey! Check out that loveseat!" I said, pointing once again to the seafoam sofa.
"Nope. That's the seafoam one. I remember the location." he said confidently.
We made a few laps of the store while I tried to disorient him. But he was too quick for me. Apparently he's colorblind, not stupid. Finally, we left without a couch or a dining room table. I missed a perfectly good opportunity to screw over a friend, and he missed... well, nothing. Actually, he dodged a damned ugly couch and is wiser for the wear.
3.18.2005
St. Patties day sale at the Abandoned Kids Store!!!
I thought about calling this thread something like the "Fox News Jackass of the Month," and making it a regular feature. Then I realized that it would be too hard to properly honor all the jackasses at Fox by limiting myself to 12 times per year. I could do a weekly one, but even that might not do justice. Daily? Hourly? Perhaps I should just keep a more analog, if you will, live-blog tally so that I don't miss a single second of jackassery?
I'll keep thinking about it. But for now, the Fox News Jackass of Right Now is none other than John Gibson!
What did he say to receive such a high honor? Oh, what didn't he say?
In his latest article titled "The Basic Idea of Marriage is to Raise Kids" (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,150672,00.html) he claims that
Abandoned kids store. Wow. That's a little um, offensive. Oh- wait! My mistake. This is a conservative talking. They aren't offensive, they're "folksy!" Or "straight-talkin!" They're "politically incorrect" because they don't bow down to shrieking special interest groups like black people and women and uhhhh... children without parents.
Jay-zus.
But of course, that's not even the half of it- what's this nonsense about biological children being required for a legal marriage? I don't remember that being on my marriage certificate. I'm sure that all the infertile couples of the world will appreciate knowing that their marriages are invalid in the eyes of 'compassionate' conservatives everywhere.
He sorta tries to answer the infertile couple question by stopping off at the old people store... but fails miserably. Continuing from "... by definition, they're out of the marriage game..."
It's good to know that theoretically, marriages between 80 year olds would also be invalid except that they can theoretically have children. I'm not a betting woman, myself, but considering that the oldest woman to not-so-theoretically have ever given birth was 14 years shy of 80, and required 9 years of hormone therapy to do it, I'd say that I'll put my money on the big ol' homo's reaching that finish line first.
http://www.nbc5.com/irresistible/4106894/detail.html
But, he ends on a conciliatory note by saying that he's not mean, he's okay with the gays having the rights, so long as they don't call it "marriage." Yeah, well, I'll toss some rights your way too, buddy. So long as you stop calling adoption agencies "abandoned kids stores." So far, you've only got the right to be labelled the Fox News Jackass of Right Now.
I'll keep thinking about it. But for now, the Fox News Jackass of Right Now is none other than John Gibson!
What did he say to receive such a high honor? Oh, what didn't he say?
In his latest article titled "The Basic Idea of Marriage is to Raise Kids" (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,150672,00.html) he claims that
Gays can't have kids — other than going to the abandoned kids store and getting one or two, or borrowing sperm from someone with more sperm than brains — so by definition they're out of the marriage game.
Abandoned kids store. Wow. That's a little um, offensive. Oh- wait! My mistake. This is a conservative talking. They aren't offensive, they're "folksy!" Or "straight-talkin!" They're "politically incorrect" because they don't bow down to shrieking special interest groups like black people and women and uhhhh... children without parents.
Jay-zus.
But of course, that's not even the half of it- what's this nonsense about biological children being required for a legal marriage? I don't remember that being on my marriage certificate. I'm sure that all the infertile couples of the world will appreciate knowing that their marriages are invalid in the eyes of 'compassionate' conservatives everywhere.
He sorta tries to answer the infertile couple question by stopping off at the old people store... but fails miserably. Continuing from "... by definition, they're out of the marriage game..."
In theory, so would couples who get married in their eighties. Chances are good that no kids come out of that holy union. But it is at least theoretically possible. Not so with gays.
It's good to know that theoretically, marriages between 80 year olds would also be invalid except that they can theoretically have children. I'm not a betting woman, myself, but considering that the oldest woman to not-so-theoretically have ever given birth was 14 years shy of 80, and required 9 years of hormone therapy to do it, I'd say that I'll put my money on the big ol' homo's reaching that finish line first.
http://www.nbc5.com/irresistible/4106894/detail.html
But, he ends on a conciliatory note by saying that he's not mean, he's okay with the gays having the rights, so long as they don't call it "marriage." Yeah, well, I'll toss some rights your way too, buddy. So long as you stop calling adoption agencies "abandoned kids stores." So far, you've only got the right to be labelled the Fox News Jackass of Right Now.
3.13.2005
Rock bottom
I am sitting here at my desk, at 5:06am eastern time, mowing down a bag of stale valentine's hearts. You know, the Necco wafer ones? I think I've hit a new low in my life. I'm actually reading them.
Some of them make sense for valentine's day: Miss you, only you, it's love, etc.
Some of them don't make sense, but can be forgiven as they're clearly misguided attempts to keep up with the times: Fax me, page me, go girl, etc.
Some of them are in a catagory all their own. I'm staring at a little green candy that says, and I kid you not on this one, "Book Club." Next to it, is a purple heart that says "let's read." I can only imagine that this is some literacy campaign gone horribly awry.
There's also one that says "let it be." Clearly, there's a major quality control issue at the Necco wafer plant. Somehow, a rogue candy writer, who seems to be a demented cross between Laura Bush and a tree-hugging hippy, has been allowed to roam free amongst the little hearts of love.
I don't know what this world has come to... but worry not, fair readers! I intend to end this here and now. And then brush my teeth.
Some of them make sense for valentine's day: Miss you, only you, it's love, etc.
Some of them don't make sense, but can be forgiven as they're clearly misguided attempts to keep up with the times: Fax me, page me, go girl, etc.
Some of them are in a catagory all their own. I'm staring at a little green candy that says, and I kid you not on this one, "Book Club." Next to it, is a purple heart that says "let's read." I can only imagine that this is some literacy campaign gone horribly awry.
There's also one that says "let it be." Clearly, there's a major quality control issue at the Necco wafer plant. Somehow, a rogue candy writer, who seems to be a demented cross between Laura Bush and a tree-hugging hippy, has been allowed to roam free amongst the little hearts of love.
I don't know what this world has come to... but worry not, fair readers! I intend to end this here and now. And then brush my teeth.
3.12.2005
I wouldn't be here today without my fans...
This blog is for you, my readers, to thank you for bestowing a great honor upon me. I am officially on the first yahoo search page for "turd in car transcript crank yankers." This is not an award that I take lightly. I would post more, but I'm a little misty-eyed.
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