Flavian Fridays

I'm starting a new regular feature on this blog called "Flavian Fridays." This will feature raw, unedited, unfiltered and yes, sometimes XXX rated conversations with Flavian. Flavian, for those of you not in the wankershanks know, is either played by Brian (Guy Incognito) or Ryan (RCWanker). Sometimes, I can't really tell them apart, so I figure the rest of you shouldn't be able to either.

Naturally, when I say "regular feature" I mean I'll post this stuff sporadically, if at all. It's very possible that I'll forget all about this tomorrow.

Without further delay, I give you tonight's installment of "Flavian Fridays!"

Me: dude. costco has *everything!*

Me: s/h included, my friend! You won't have to go broke grieving with wholesale prices!
Tha Flav: Sweet!
Me: I know, right?
Tha Flav: Can you ship a corpse in it?
Me: ha!
Me: who the hell says "well, mom died. Time to break out the ol' discount warehouse membership card."
Tha Flav: I would
Me:

Q: Can you order a casket for preplanning purposes?

Yes, as long as the casket is being shipped to a member's home or storage facility of choice.

Me: sweet.
Me:

We have selected the most popular styles and colors, with the highest quality linings.
THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC OR OTHER EVIDENCE THAT ANY CASKET WITH A SEALING DEVICE WILL PRESERVE HUMAN REMAINS

Me: ew.
Tha Flav: You know, sealing devices actually do the exact opposite.
Tha Flav: None of the gasses from your decomposing body can escape, so your body (and the coffin) eventually explode.
Me: oh, that is so sweet. Seal me up tight, baby!
Me: I rememeber when I was really young and my hampster died. I didn't want ants to get to it. So I made my mom secure it in TWO carboard boxes instead of just one. I hope costco is just as cautious.
Me:

Caskets cannot be returned to Costco warehouses.

Me: (particularly with dead people inside.)
Tha Flav: I'd do it
Me: I know you would.
Tha Flav: Pack the body up, "Oh, hey, I changed my mind."
Tha Flav: Easy corpse disposal.
Tha Flav: They should make a Netflix-esq service. You buy a coffin, they send it to you, you put the body in and put it right back in the mail! No postage necessary!
Me: hahaha. and this is why rules were created, brian.
Tha Flav: It's a goldmine, Candice!
Me: except instead of gold...... corpses.
Tha Flav: A corpsemine!
Me: what part of this is a good idea again?
Tha Flav: Volume. You make the profit up with volume.
Tha Flav: Look, I have a really simple four-step plan here:
Tha Flav: 1. Buy coffins on the cheap
Tha Flav: 2. Mail them out to people
Tha Flav: 3. ...
Tha Flav: 4. Profit
Me: with a rock-solid plan like that, how can we fail?
Tha Flav: Exactly
Me:

Enter the following information for the "Shipping Address" at checkout:
First and last name: name of the deceased

Me: how exactly does the corpse order it themselves?
Tha Flav: They have highspeed internet in most graveyards for a nominal fee
Me: hahaha- this is great:
Me:

For the "Billing Address," enter the following information at checkout about the person or organization that is paying for the casket:

First and last name: name of bill-to customer

Me: I like how they call them the "bill-to" person instead of the "hasn't bought the farm" person
Tha Flav: You're so insensitive, Candice
Me: you're the one trying to bank on this. I'm just trying to deal with an uncomfortable life phase in the only way I know how.
Me: plus, I'm insensitive.
Tha Flav: Right