No need to thank me

I'm at work tonight, bored as usual. So I'm going to take the time to let you all in on some important advice that I wouldn't normally share with just anyone.

There's no need to thank me. I'm just using the gifts I've been blessed with to help others in need.

I've mentioned before that there are many important decisions in our lives. Some can be life-altering. Some can make or break you in the eyes of your peers.

Without further ado, I give you: Bikinikiller's Ultimate Guide to Cell Phone Ringtones!

First of all, lets cover the importance of a well-suited ringtone. This thing goes everywhere with you. It can appear at anytime. Imagine, if you will, the following scenarios:
1. You're flirting with a cute guy. Things are going well and you're about to get his number when a friend calls you. All of a sudden, "Good Vibrations" by the Beach Boys rings out across the room. Do you really want to see him again now that he knows what a dork you are?
2. You're having a serious political discussion with someone. You're doing well and making good points. Suddenly, "Bloody Sunday" by U2 comes pouring out of your phone. Will anyone take you seriously knowing that you used an Irish tragedy to alert you to incoming calls? Oh, it's doubtful, at best.

Now that you see the importance, let's get to the meat of the matter. The rules:

1. Ironic is always best.

Don't pick something that is popular today. Never pick something that is popular today. Ironically hip is always safer because NO ONE has strong musical opinions about older groups. If you pick a song by DMX, for example, you may get some eyerolls from non-rap fans. If you go for, say, The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers, you have accomplished ironic hipness. No one thinks that you actually listen to Kenny Rogers in your spare time, but you've evaded the genre police and shown that you have a sense of humor about your ring. The only exception to this is the Beach Boys, as mentioned above. Don't ask me why, just trust me.

2. Don't pick any songs with a serious theme: political, or emotional.

In addition to the above example, also stay away from serious love songs. That's just pathetic. No matter how much you love "A Woman's Worth" by Alicia Keys, you will look really lame if you start getting misty-eyed every time your phone rings because it's-like-she's-reading-your-soooouuuuul! *sniff*

3. Choose a ring that is slightly out of your apparent style.

For instance, if you typically walk the town toting a Louis Vuitton bag with an astoundingly small poodle poking out, then avoid songs like "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. You'll appear one-dimensional and predictable. Instead, choose a song like "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen. No one will see it coming and you will show that you're more than just a Legally Blonde wannabe.

4. When in doubt, choose a theme song from your era.

Everyone loves TV show theme songs. The only trick here is to choose one that isn't already overdone (inspector gadget and ghostbusters are officially annoying) and to choose one that you actually remember from your childhood tv shows. If you're in college now, you have no business with the theme songs from Shaft or the A-team, no matter how much you like them. Better to go with Fresh Prince of Bell Air or Saved By The Bell. You know you watched them.

I hope you have all taken something valuable from this lesson. Ring tones are more than just a means to an end. They're an artform. Respect that artform and others will respect you.