My friend Ryan wants to be referenced in my blog

Hear that? My friend Ryan Kent wants to be referenced in my blog. Specifically, he wants a "cryptic reference." So, here goes, Ryan Kent of Tampa, Florida:

Not long ago, a 'friend' (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) and I were on a road trip to Washington, DC. I'll call this friend 'Ryan.' On the way from Florida to DC, you have to drive through a little state called South Carolina. Now most people would have no problem with this.

Most people aren't 'Ryan.'

"Nooooooooooo!" he squealed like a newborn piglet as we passed over the state line.
"Haven't they constructed a bridge over this state yet?!?"

No, 'Ryan.' Not yet.

So, we entered South Carolina despite 'Ryan's' passionate assurance that nothing good could come from a state that kept reelecting Strom. He agreed to sit in the car and be good, rather than flinging himself onto the passing pavement, as long as I promised not to stop in South Carolina. I promised. Apparently his bladder didn't sign the contract though.

We decided to stop at a Subway for some sandwiches and a bathroom break. Surely nothing could happen at a nationwide franchise like Subway that would confirm 'Ryan's' prejudices! South Carolina was no cesspool! It was misunderstood! It needed a friend!

That's what I thought.
Until a spider descended upon my pristine veggie sub whilst the Sandwich Artist pretended not to notice.
That's what I thought.
Until a crowd of barefooted hooligans spent five minutes trying to wrassle some free cookies out of the cashier whilst I patiently waited to pay for my 'arachnid special.'
That's what I thought.
Until I saw the bathrooms. And that, my friends! That was the last straw!

The moral of the story, is:
"Ryan" may be an asshole, and he may be a pompous wanker. But he was right about South Carolina. And that wasn't really a moral at all, was it?

Fine.

I've got your moral. I just left it in South Carolina. Really I did. Go get it.