My Nearest Death Experience

Okay, I have a story. I feel like this story needs to be told not only for the profound lessons it imparts, but also because I don't feel like doing my homework.

That being said, here is My Nearest Death Experience:
(note, the names are changed, but the names aren't really changed.)

It was a dark, overcast day. Some friends and I decided to go see a movie. Ryan, Brian, Kai and I (wow, that rhymes nicely!) decided to set out for the theater. We knew what we wanted to see, and we knew where we wanted to go. Only one question remained: should we invite Josh?

Now Josh was... well, Josh had a bit of a temper. He was a great guy. Really funny. All around class act when he wasn't trying to kill you. And I don't mean that in a facetious or exaggerated manner. He really was a homicidal maniac waiting to happen. But man, could he ever kick some ass on Super Smash Brothers. When that announcer screamed "Melee!" you could always count on some hilarious commentary from his end. Until he lost and slammed you into the wall, that was.

We were in the mood for a stress and death-free evening, so we decided to leave him out. We met at the seedy bowling alley, as usual, and piled into Brian's car, leaving my car, and Ryan's car, there. Kai was to meet up with the three of us at the theater.
The movie was fine. The post-movie ice cream was fine. We were on top of the world... until we walked back to our cars under the cover of night.

We reached Kai's car first. On it was the kind of note you never wanted to see:

"Thanks for not inviting me."

The words were scrawled in what has henceforth been known amongst our group as 'serial-killer penmanship.' Beneath the words was a picture. Just as we were trying to decipher the crudely drawn picture, our attention was drawn to a noise off in the distance.

Like a bat out of hell, a car across the lot came to life. The headlights, turned directly at us, nearly blinded us as an engine revved. The tires squealed as it careened towards us.

We scattered in all directions as the car slammed to a halt. Out jumped Josh. "Thanks for inviting me, assholes. THANKS FOR INVITING ME!" he screamed. We backed away as he focused his anger on Kai.

Now, perhaps I should mention that Josh was by no means a tiny man. The approximate formula for 1 Josh under ideal conditions, at standard temperature and pressure is:
2 Ryan's + 1 Kai + 1 Candice - 2/3 Brian. Multiplied by pi, of course.
So you can see that we were in serious trouble. But back to the story.

Josh focused his gaze on Kai as Brian and I began backing away. Kai inched towards his car with intense caution. Ranting and raving like a 6 ton lunatic, Josh slammed his fists into the hood of Kai's Land Rover. He meant business and we were terrified. Josh grabbed onto a sapling and shook it violently, nearly uprooting it. Kai and Brian took the opportunity to dash to their respective cars. I inched towards Brian's car, but Ryan, being the model-UN kinda guy he was, was on a suicide mission to talk some sense into Josh.

"Run Candice!" Brian screamed as he started up his Saturn sedan. "Forget Ryan! He's dead to us now, woman! DEAD TO US!"

I had to make a decision. Should I risk my life to stay near Ryan, knowing full well that there was nothing I could do to stop Josh's madness? Or should I take the cowards way, I mean, um... Brian's way, and run to the safety of the car?

I bolted.

As soon as I jumped in, Brian slammed the car into gear and locked the doors. I thought about shedding a lone tear for Ryan, until I realized that I never liked him that much.
I turned around to see him one last time.

Josh lifted up his mighty fist as if to strike Ryan. But at the last moment, he opened his fist. His keys were flung into the brick wall, landing in a mass of shrubbery.
While Josh lumbered over to pick up his keys, Ryan decided it was time to cut his losses and bolted towards Brian's car.

"OPEN THE GODDAMNED DOOR YOU STUPID JACKASSES!" he screamed.

"MY BAD!" Brian yelled back in apology as he unlocked the car door.

As he frantically climbed in, we took off. Kai drove around the front of the theater, while we took the back way. Nearly crashing into each other where our paths met, we floored it onto the highway, ignoring the bright red stoplights. Surely reckless driving was less risky than having Josh catch up to us. We took a long detour, all around Tampa, to prevent Josh from following us home.

When we finally returned to the bowling alley, we were too terrified get out of the car. We made several rounds of the parking lot- there was no Josh to be found.

"Don't leave until you see us safely get into our cars, okay, Brian?" I asked.
"I wouldn't dream of it." he replied, reassuringly.

Comforted, Ryan and I lept out of the car, secret-agent style, and flew to our respective vehicles. Meanwhile, Brian sped off laughing maniacally.

Everything was fine, amazingly enough. There were no creepy notes, there was no Josh. Our tires weren't slashed and there was no visible graffiti.

I talked to Ryan the next day. Did he make it home okay? Was Josh waiting for him at his house? Was he hospitalized?

"Yeah, Josh came over." he said calmly. "We talked about it over some cereal. He was just feeling a little left out."

And that's it. That's the end of that adventure. What kind of crappy ending is that? I don't know. But that's how it went down. It's almost surreal thinking back on it. Brian, Ryan and I have sat around and chewed the fat on that one many times since. Would he have killed us if we hadn't gotten away so fast? I don't know. But he was ALWAYS invited after that.